Brace yourself for a cliché. Here it comes. Laughter is the best medicine. Just writing that kind of cracked me up. While we’re hanging out waiting for the next round of doctor appointments we could use some comedic relief. How about posting a joke in the comments section? Keep it clean because there are a couple of grandmothers that read this blog and I know for sure one of them will find you and compel you to bite the soap if necessary.
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The funniest thing I’ve seen in awhile is Jim Cramer (from CNBC) going crazy nuts for Wal-Mart’s stock.
The regional head of the College Republicans, in Gainesville, was gay. He had come out of the closet two weeks before, and at the screenign he was wearing a suit and a pride bracelette. I asked him how this could be? He said, “I’m not a single issue voter.”
hehe
“Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After he heard this, Arnold said ‘I’m not going to act all upset and hurt because I don’t have that kind of range.’” –Conan O’Brien
Wal-Mart’s new cost-saving uniforms:
http://www.funmansion.com/html/Wal-Marts-New-Cost-Saving-Uniforms.html
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”. The Biologist: “They have reproduced”. The Mathematician: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd… “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says……. “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?”
“OK, why not.” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd.
“That’s correct.” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog.”
You’ve been subscribed to “Funny Times”
http://www.funnytimes.com/
A woman brought a very limp duck in to see the vet. As she laid
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the birds chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed
away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am
sure. The duck is dead.” he replied. “How can you be so
sure?” she protested. “You haven’t done any tests on him or
anything. Maybe he’s just in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a brown Labrador
Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog
stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the exam table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog
and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a tabby
cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and sniffed delicately at
the bird. Then it sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, a 100% certifiable, dead
duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and out popped the bill.
He handed it to the duck’s owner who gasped in shock,
“$150!!! she cried… $150 just to tell me my duck is dead ???”
The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you had taken my word
for it, the bill would have been $20… but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan the price went up considerably.”
Three foreigners: a businessman, physicist, and mathematician, are talking about the country they’re all visiting for the first time.
Suddenly, the businessman points out the window in surprise. “Look at that! The sheep in Scotland are black!”
Amused at how readily his new friend jumps to conclusions, the physicist corrects him: “No, all we can be certain of is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black.”
The mathematician looks out the window himself, and corrects the both of them: “We know there exists a sheep in Scotland which is black on at least one side.”
How about a math lymric?
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * 4 ^ .5) / 7 + 5 * 11 == 9 ^ 2 + 0
Translated:
A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7, plus 5 times 11, is nine squared, and not a bit more.
Yer durn tootin’ ya better keep it clean!
Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, “Slim, I’m 73 years old and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age, how do you feel?”
Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn babe.”
Rather amazed, his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a question, “Really? a new born babe???”
“Yup” grins Slim, “no teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants”
Reminds me of another joke I heard many years ago:
A mathematician and an engineer sat on a park bench with a beautiful young lady in the middle. Each decided to move half the distance to the young women until the mathematician left disappointed. Later the mathematician challenged the engineer that he would never reach the young lady. The engineer said that it was close enough.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
“House”, for instance, is feminine: “la casa”. “Pencil”, however, is masculine: “el lapiz”.
A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?” Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether “computer” should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that “computer” should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer”), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(No chuckling… this gets better!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“el computer”), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a newer and better model.
How do you count cows?
With a cow-culator.
Two cows are standing around in the field. One says, “Whew, did you see this New York Times article? They’re worrying about something called ‘mad cow disease’”.
The other cow looks up and replies, “What do I care? I’m a helicopter!”